how will we know if we just don't try

[Filter: Private]

Fine.

If this is what it takes, then fine.

[Filter: Lady Martha]

My lady!

Congratulations on your engagement, by the way. I think all of us are happy to see the Prince with someone who can brighten his life the way you do!

I have, erm, some questions for you. If you don't mind?

[Filter: Dominic]

So ...

It's Tuesday!

Three in the afternoon, right? Where should I meet you? Should we just meet at a cafe or something, should I come to your office? Is Asht You're the one with the tight schedule, here.

[Filter: Private]

Sometime in the past I stagnated and now I have to make a decision about changing my fate, huh?

[Filter: Dominic]

Do you think maybe I've gotten stuck in a rut?

Do you ever feel like you've gotten stuck in a rut?

[Filter: Private]

All right, this I can work with. I mean, it was pretty clear this was going to happen, but you know, it's good to ...

Do I just write out Princess Kelita?

Do I write exactly what happened? I mean, does that take away from the whole thing? It doesn't have anything to do with Seraphine, not really, but I can't write her out, can I? I mean, she and the Princess were friends, I thought, but ...

This is hard!

Nobody told me writing was so hard!

And the whole thing with the Prince, too ... Do I ask him to talk again? Has it been long enough? Does he even remember I exist?

Argh.

[Filter: Public]

Got a letter from Ema today! I know she wrote it before Lady Eliza's birthday, but it's weird to think of it, still. You know? Being away from home for something that big ...

Anyway, it's nothing super interesting. Home is fine. My parents are fine. My brothers are fine. She made it clear I'm not even supposed to think about coming home anytime soon, though! I don't know why, I'm not getting that much work here and I could do my writing anywhere, but ...

Well, if I did go home, she'd string me up, so I guess that's that, you know?

Blech.

I need to go by the theatre. They're supposed to be holding auditions for something new! I'm just hoping it isn't a morality play about ... well, you know what about. There's been a few of those popping up before the church manages to put their foot down!

[Filter: Private]

At this point, an Adveni telling me what the hell to do with this play would probably be more helpful than anything else!

I miss Ema. She would have ideas about what to do. Maybe something about Lady Martha? Everyone knows she's sort of going to be the Queen. Princess, then Queen. The princess comes to Martha in a dream and begs her to help her mourning brother ...

Ugh!

That's so stupid and trite!

I can't write this stuff! This is why I always said I can't write this stuff!

[Filter: Public]

Okay, but everyone realizes Adveni card readings are completely made up, right?

Dragons, have you seen it out there, it's insane.

Half the people out on the streets are trying to get out. Going home to see their loved ones or just getting out of Eblar because -- because they think it's next, and why wouldn't they! We're not exactly that far away from Megam, here, this is --

used to be a prime stop for pilgrims! Come to Eblar, see the Grand Cathedral, then go on your merry way down the pass. Buy some Dragon tokens. Say prayers for a safe journey ...

Well, the other half of everyone out there are just raising hell. Some of them are Megami, you can tell because they have the darker skin, right? That jungle tan that almost all Megami have. But some of them are Dentorian as they come and they're just -- they're either weeping or they're shouting, and there aren't any in betweens.

If you're in Eblar, I wouldn't go outside today. Hell, in fact, if you're anywhere? Just stay inside. Bolt your doors and hug your families and ... stay in.

I can't believe this. All that mocking talk about the Dragons, all that nonsense laughing with friends over drinks, haha, hope the Dragons can't see me now, over in Megam! All of that ...

So, has everybody heard about this? The Pilgrim's Pass has been closed!

There's apparently all sorts of reports out of northern Megam that things are going ... well, pardon the language, but completely batshit. Reports about -- about those dragons (Dragons??) wreaking havoc, people saying all the Adveni have started up a fullscale rebellion ... a few Megami refugees got through before the order got sent to close the border, and they've been spreading all kinds of horror stories around!

I've been hearing that Megami ships have been getting turned away from Aeda, too. Probably from whatever other towns they try to dock in, but let's face it, Aeda is the only place equipped to handle the sort of ships they'd be sending, and nope! No Megami ships allowed. The rumors out of Lucre ... well, I can't say I'm surprised that the borders are being closed to Megami. There's just so many of them. It sounds like the entire northern half of the country's been completely uprooted, and where the hell are we supposed to put them? We barely have any room here for our own people! We just had a war of our own! We're tired of war! Please keep your refugees to yourselves.

I mean.

It stinks, is the thing, but ... well. Well! I just don't know what we're supposed to do about it. I mean, this was probably the King's decision, and I'm sure he thought about all the same things I am right now. And if those are Dragons -- real Dragons ... well, would we want to invite them to come rain fury on our heads instead?

I sure wouldn't.

That doesn't mean I -- I would help them if I could! For sure. I wish there was something I could do for them, but I think the King did the right thing, closing off the borders. I wouldn't be surprised if we start hearing that Kanemoria's turning away ships, too!

Lady Harmonia! I wanted to thank you again for the invitation to that party. It was really something else, you know? Ema and I haven't been able to stop talking about it. I think she's a little bit starstruck even after all this time! It's not very often that we get to mingle with nobility. Any nobility! Even Rhian nobility!

And thanks again for helping me with my work. It's been very difficult getting anybody to talk to me at all beyond vagueries and niceties! Anything you could give me would have been helpful. Probably not as helpful as my meeting with the prince will be, but, well, I'll take anything I can get!

I still can't even believe I'm actually going to be meeting with the Prince, to be honest.

Anyway, I hope you're going to have a good time tomorrow! Ema and I are going out into the city for some fun. This is Ema's first time in Eblar for the holiday! She's never seen it before! And she doesn't believe me when I tell her about the parties.

[Filter: Nick]

For being the one obsessed with being an adult!!! and how we can't talk to each other now we're ADULTS!!!, you sure are acting like a five year old throwing a tantrum by holding his breath until he turns blue.

[Filter: Nick]

Guess what!

I'm still here! I'm going to keep on talking to you even if you ignore me, because I am still here.

And I'm still going to be here because you know what? I refuse to accept what you told me. You were trying to chase me off. I get that now. I reread the whole thing and boy, Nick, did you ever try too hard. You're really determined to convince me you're a bastard, because ...

That's the part I don't get! Because why?

To prove you were right? To make a point? But we'd had so many conversations! And that's the thing, something about this really sits weird. I'm not sure what it is and I'm probably going to go back and look, but something about everything you've said, why say that now? That wasn't the first time I'd talked about you on here, you know! Albeit it was the first time I'd named you and whatever other time I talked about you probably got erased because these stupid Dragonsdamned books.

I shouldn't really say Dragonsdamned anymore if the Dragons are in Megam, should I, ha ha. What do you make of all that, by the way? Ema thinks it's insane, she's swearing up and down it can't be true. I still can't really believe it's happening. Or that we didn't hear about it sooner! I mean, if the Dragons really did descend, you'd think they'd tell the entire world, right?

I don't know but I sure have a lot to answer for if they really did descend! I am a drunkard, as you observed, and that's not even the worst of my sins! So I guess I'm going to hell.

I slept with someone on Rose Day! A man, actually. There's a big sin for you! I was hoping you'd get the hint. Maybe I was being petty. Probably was being petty, looking back at that entry now. But it didn't work! The point is, please, Nick, you want to talk about seduction. You want to talk about perversion! Please. You think I'm really still an innocent pure child living in a man's body? That's definitely the sense I got from talking with you, you seemed mortified that I was even drinking! Just because I'm an optimist doesn't mean I'm untainted. So you can shut up about that.

Also if Ashton really fucked you when you were still practically a child, he's a pervert and I'm going to have him arrested. Lady Eliza is on these books, you know, I'm sure she'd be all too happy to get rid of another stain on Dentoria, I bet she's really eager to find and get rid of every piece of trash like him after what happened to the Princess.

I could keep writing if you want me to. I know you're there. I know you're reading this.