how will we know if we just don't try

It's incredible just how many doors Lord Nicolas' patronage has already opened up for me. There are -- priests talking to me, I've gotten more people willing to listen to me when I prove that I have his sponsorship, I'm not getting nearly as many slammed doors as I was before. Literally or figuratively! I should -- I can't imagine I'll ever be able to get an audience with the King or the Prince about this, not even with Lord Nicolas backing me, but maybe I can find some of the servants? Or the High Priest for the Cathedral, maybe have him ... relay a message? Ask for a statement?

In any case I think that's something I'm going to have to do much farther down the line. I know it's much too raw for -- for her father or mother or brother. Dragons. I'm not quite that insensitive.

I miss the stage here, though. Stagehand work is fine, I know what I'm doing, it's a lot of hauling things around and helping with the cosmetics and stuff, but it's just ... different watching from the sidelines now that I've been back in Temair. They just have more passion for their work here. And no wonder, they have so many people coming to see them every day! I remember those crowds. I performed in an outdoor theater, one summer, for The Tempest, and all the benches would be packed. Packed! Compare that with the showing I got for Much Ado back in Temair ...

I wish I could stay here, sometimes.

But what a ridiculous line of thought that is! I made up my mind and now I've got to stick to it. Or at least, once I get more material to write this thing from ... Then I can go back home and get to work.

Even thinking about doing this still makes me a bit shaky. Me! A playwright! Sponsored by Lord Nicolas himself! I could never have dreamed of it.

Eblar is really something else, right now ....

All the time I've been here, I've never seen it so subdued. I mean, of course it's going to be. The Princess is dead. There have been big services at the Grand Cathedral every night since we got here, and I'm sure for the weeks before we got here. Ema and I went to a lot of them, it's ... well, we just felt like we should. I feel bad that the first time Ema gets to see Eblar is when people are hanging flowers on their doors for Seraphine and leaving candles at the altar burning all day and night, but she was the one who wanted to come. Insisted on it, even.

We're going to try and get near the Cathedral for the service. We can't get in, I mean, they're not going to let a couple of tourists into the chapel, not unless we paid hundreds of gold for the privilege. And probably not even then. But there's the funeral procession, and there's going to be a service tonight, and we both want to be there for that.



Sometimes I think, you know, she wrote to me once, on the journals. I didn't even know who she was at first. There's so many people I don't realize, oh, they're -- they're nobles, or even royal. We had a whole nice conversation, she was sweet. I guess that just shows -- she was that sort of person, wasn't she? Didn't even think about it when she wrote to some peasant actor talking about his day.

And now she's gone. After all these years, she's gone.

Is everything in Atsiria with that war business really over?

I still can't believe that this is real. If someone had told me this entire -- secret conflict existed before I read these books, I would have laughed in their face, probably. I mean, even those of you in it have to admit that it's farfetched. I mean -- the idea that anyone could be in this war, fighting and ... killing other people in the name of something no one else knows anything about?

It's ridiculous. ... And once you know it's true, it's terrifying. I wouldn't even believe it if I hadn't seen so many people writing about it ...

Well.

In other news, there's buzz about a new show coming around soon. Some sort of -- Kanemorian upstart playwright trying to make a name for themselves in Dentoria, or something like that? I can't imagine why they're trying to make a name for themselves in Temair, of all places, but maybe they're just going through every city they can find, who knows. I guess we wouldn't be hearing about it if that wasn't the case.

And I think I might have found a place. There's still a lot up in the air and Mom keeps getting all upset about it, but it's not even that far away. And it's not like I won't come home for Saturday dinners after church, or anything. So I don't know what her entire issue is.

And, uh, thanks to everyone to wrote to me about that thing, last time. With people you've lost contact with ...

[Filter: Private]

When did Ema even get someone to cook for?

Have I missed this? Is that where she's been going all those days that I couldn't find her? Dragons, here I thought she'd be my little sister with scraped knees and pigtails forever, but there she goes with her basket full of goodies ...

She certainly doesn't need a fistful of dahlias! I wonder how many roses she'll come back with. It can't be that serious if she hasn't said anything about him, can it ...


I miss giving flowers to people that weren't family. Dragons, that's stupid, but there's a reason I filtered this, isn't there? Time for my annual Rose Day sulk! Nobody gets to know how stupid I get about this holiday. Smile, Ben, and then go feel sorry for yourself where no one can see you. It's not like I didn't have people who would have It just never felt right, giving

Ugh.

This is a journal, I'll write what I mean.

It just never felt right to give any of them roses. How stupid is that? Even the ones I liked, even the ones I really liked, even the ones I spent the night with! But they never gave me anything more than friendly gifts, either! It was an understanding. A couple of people coming to a completely nonromantic agreement! I'd give them lilies or violets or hyacinths and they'd give me a bundle of candies from the street shop and we'd laugh and toast.

And then they'd leave the next day and I'd sit around and feel sorry for myself for ridiculous reasons.

These very same reasons!

Sometimes I wonder how much I've caged myself into this. I was just a Dragonsdamned teenager. I barely even knew what I was thinking! I'm practically twice the age I was back then, and yet here I sit, sulking about it and wondering, maybe if I'd said something different! Maybe if I'd written more letters.

It's not even love.

I don't think it's love.

How would I even know if it's love?

I just wish I knew if he was still even alive. I don't know why it's Rose Day that does it, but I just think about the stupid harebrained ideas I got in my head when I was a kid, when I was too little to know better, how I sat in the garden wondering ... wondering if he was getting any flowers, that first year after he left.

Dragons, this is ridiculous.

I'm taking my money and I'm going for a drink.

Rumor of the fresh, new week: Dragons!

You think I'm joking. I'm not joking! One of the neighbors is saying he saw some flying over the city a couple nights past, and now everyone is talking about whether it's a sneak attack force from Korin, or something like that, and if it is how they could have possibly gotten so far south without someone noticing them, and where they were going!

Now, I didn't see them, because I was inside sleeping like a reasonable person would at, you know, midnight. And I'm more than willing to guess some alcohol was involved in this? And possibly Jeremiah trying to find a really good excuse for his wife as to why he was out so late? I mean, if you see dragons flying overhead, anybody's going to give you a break, right? But he swears they were, you know, the size of a house or something like that, so now you know that he's exaggerating, if it's not just an outright lie.

Which, honestly, is my guess!

Or. Would be! But there's a little bit of rumbling about it around the city, too. Lady Arielle, I don't suppose you've heard any of it? Some of the other actors are in an uproar, and a few of the stagehands even refused to come to work yesterday. Showed up today with their tails between their legs, but ...

I mean, if it's true, it has to be Korin, right? But really, how on earth ...

HAPPY FESTIVAL!

I know, I know, it's still so early! But whatever, my family's been up for a while, my Dad actually still gets us all up early every year to do gifts. It's weird how he does that! I always thought he'd grow out of it, when I was growing up, but nope ...

Anyway, we're all saving room for the turkey later, but I am currently having a cookie and some coffee because if I don't get something in my stomach I'm going to die. I got some really nice stuff this year, and after such a long time in Eblar, it's actually really nice to be home for the holiday again. I mean, you know, my friends and I would celebrate before, but it's just different being back with your family, right?

Happy holiday, everyone!

[Filter: Private]

Ema's probably right. A small letter, maybe? Just mention that I'm back in town and ... see if it goes anywhere. He doesn't have to know why, or doesn't have to know that I'd like to see him ... he can just think it's a little piece of information.

And if he comes looking for me ...

[Filter: Public]

Oh my Dragons, you know, in all the fuss, I just now realized it's already almost Festival? Holy hell! I need to go shopping! Or at least make a list. Dragons know I won't actually go shopping for another three weeks, but I can at least pretend to be organized ...

Uh, let's see. There's Mom, Dad, my brothers maybe, I don't know if they're going to bring their families in for Festival dinner or not! And Ema, of course. Who am I missing? I have to be missing somebody ...

Holy hell!

I GOT THE PART!

I spent all week bemoaning that they weren't going to hire me because of that nonsense with the Old High Dentorian, but apparently they decided against it, because postings went up today and not only did I get a part, I'm going to be playing Benedick!

I'm so excited I can barely sit still! I'm going to go treat the bar to a round of drinks. I don't expect I'll make much money from this, not as much as I would have made in Eblar, but still, I've been itching for the stage so badly I haven't been able to stand it, and this is a major part!

Thank you, Dragons, for answering my prayers!

Well! I was asked my favorite sonnet, and I don't know that this is my favorite, but I spent a bit of time thinking about it and it is one I rather like. For whatever reason. I think a lot of people find it morbid, but, well.

No longer mourn for me when I am dead
Than you shall hear the surly sullen bell
Give warning to the world that I am fled
From this vile world with vilest worms to dwell:
Nay, if you read this line, remember not
The hand that writ it, for I love you so,
That I in your sweet thoughts would be forgot,
If thinking on me then should make you woe.
O! if, I say, you look upon this verse,
When I perhaps compounded am with clay,
Do not so much as my poor name rehearse;
But let your love even with my life decay;
Lest the wise world should look into your moan,
And mock you with me after I am gone.

Well, it's that or number 130, but it's a hard choice.

Hm.

Well, nobody else seemed so offput by that -- grisly writing as I was, so I did a bit of digging. A lot of digging. I spent most of the day digging! Looking through these books, trying to find hints and answers, and while I got far fewer of them than I would have liked, I got enough. About what those people are, about what they want ... though I can't claim to understand any of it.

I can't say I expect to ever get used to them the way most of the rest of you people seem to be, but, well.

At least there's good news to accompany the murder threats! Some good news. Hearing from Princess Seraphine and Kelita, taking account of just how many highborn folk there are on these, Dragons, it's more than a bit overwhelming! I admit I'm mostly reading for news out of the North, these days. I have friends who are Northerners. A couple that have brothers in the army, even. I've been thinking, well, if I hear poor news, then surely a letter I could send them from Temair would get there before a letter sent all the way from the warfront. Though I'm not sure they'd be accepting of how I heard first, and I doubt I'm likely to hear details about a couple of low-rank men up in the frozen waste ...

Look at me, I'm a horrible pessimist tonight, aren't I? Something about that gruesome writing must have shaken me, I think. I ought to turn in early.